Poo Platter - Serving up lifes plate of shit.

No it was officially a month seven minutes ago forgot to change that clock. Well things have been complete chaos around here. I am currently trying to develop a Drupal site for a local company while in the process of trying to starting a business all while doing the daily ass wiping and everything else that goes with staying home with two kids.

Things have gotten a little better with the wife but not before all hell broke loose with her almost two weeks ago. She seems to be straightening herself out and she is taking the kids some nights now. I guess only time will tell.

Well this is it for tonight I have to get back to learning PHP. I am going to try to get back to posting on the regular. Oh and start working on this site.

Ta ta for now.
Wow now that was gay.

You know what really chafes my ass?

No not my wife's mustache.
The fact that I am really lost as a parent for once.

The whole parenting thing comes pretty easy for me probably due from my love of kids and being the oldest of six. I can't say that I have mastered anything but I always get by if not better.

The problem I'm having is Masen and the wiping his own ass. I can't get him into it and when I force him to it's a joke. I can remember from my childhood getting into trouble for having what looked to be Nascar time trials in my drawers so I'm clearly unqualified for this job in more way then one.....

Sorry I'm back.
I had to step away because as I was typing this Ozzy decided to remove his diaper. Nothing unusual there. It was what he was doing with it off that was different. At first I thought I was seeing things but he did it several times in a row. So not really the question.

What was he doing you ask.

He was teabagging a lemon that he put on the floor.

I really wanted to believe that he was trying to sit on it (although that might be worse) but with pinpoint accuracy he bagged it at least a good six before I confirmed what I was seeing and stopped him. What can one even do about that? He clearly has a porn career if he wants it. Even as I type this I keep having to correct him for tweaking whats left of my nipples. They feel like someone took a damn belt sander to em' and they look like chewed dog meat. All night long I wake up to him pinching the shit out of them with those razor sharp nails.

My favorite thing by far about being a parent is all the unsolicited parenting advice and criticism.

On the top of the list is all the shit talked by the people that don't even have kids. Male or female they should be kicked right in the baby maker. I get these a lot from certain family members and other people I know "Oh my kid will never get away with that" or "You just have to let them cry". I feel like grabbing a broomstick shoving it directly into their brownie and saying well on this note I am just going to have to let you cry. I admit as far as attention goes mine are probably a little spoiled but they will be older little jerk offs that want anything to do with daddy in no time.

So I know what I am doing I just don't care.

As I am typing this Ozzy seems to be building what looks to be a bonfire out of his diapers in the middle of his room. So I may have to run off. Well on the plus side it is a little chilly in here.

Note to self hide lighter fluid.

Two girls one cup. WOW! Not sure why that classic popped into my head. If you don't know you must have been living under a rock and may be better off for it.
If you have to know Google it but wait till after lunch.

- The top video clips of the week are here

I'm going to do this post in reverse with the title being explained at the end. I kept it as clean and as unoffensive as possible. I've tried to do this with most of my posts not sure how long it will last for though. I do kind of have a filthy mouth and not much is sacred. We will see.

So as I am typing this I have ER going in the background and the desire to smoke some weed is overwhelming. That's one thing that sucks about being a dad the guilt and responsibility that comes with it. I have pretty much out grown the going out, getting smashed, blacking out, and waking up laying next to the neighbors lawn gnome you humped the night before. Well that never really happened but I did buy a lamb and a goat that had a softball sized tumor on the side of his face. This really did not go over well with the roommate so I ended up having to get rid of them within a week. Anyway I would probably smoke some cheeb from time to time if I didn't feel guilty about it. I'm a firm believer that the booze/weed laws should be the other way around.

What bad comes from pot?

Well today was pretty dull. Although I should be smacked in the face with a brick though. Somehow I failed to see this coming. I made the kids some Boca burgers with cheese and gave them a little shot of ketchup on the side. Being distracted I placed the bottle of ketchup to the side of them. I got up and quickly to take the trash out while they were eating. In less than a minute I returned to the Texas chainsaw massacre. Masen had decided to add just a little more ketchup which amazingly enough ended up being just half the damn 50 ounce bottle.

Do you even know what a pound and a half of ketchup looks like?

You don't

I've been putting off posting because I have had nothing good to say and really I still don't.

So......

Sometimes life is just shit. The weekend was hard with Masen having his birthday and me not getting to see him till Monday. Then there is the ongoing shit with my wife. Which we're back to being just separated because she withdrew the papers. Which that was going pretty good for a couple of weeks till I apparently screwed that up. That was my gift from God the ability to even screw up a wet dream. Although I am not sure how much I am to blame in this instance. The financial mess ehh this is what it is.

I still laugh everyday although not as much.

Well I am grateful for my kids being back even though the tend to return huge assholes when they spend a few days at their mothers and this time was no different. Gavyn up until a few hours ago has been so bad you just want to throw him out the damn window. I think part of it's he's used to getting tons of attention with me then this weekend he took the back seat. He's screaming constantly, grabbing every toy Masen tries to play with and just all around being a jerk. Luckily it has seemed to pass finally after two days.

As I sit and type this be prepared that I may have to stop immediately at any point during this due to the fact that I may throw up or have an explosive diarrhea episode in a pair of pants that I have not fit into in 3 years. We'll get to this later.

I question myself not as a father but as an adult. Or grown up as I prefer. There are not too many things I do or like that allow me to refer to myself as grown up nor are there many things that I would want to do to make me able. Today I get the kids to play in the living room, wait I should say I got them into the living room where they found the laundry that I had just folded to put away and they decided to rip it all apart and bury each other. This is when I decided to take advantage of them being occupied with creating a new disaster to clean up their other disasters. Yes this goes on everyday all day.

So...
Where to start?
I need some music. Of course you should never clean without music. At least I can't due to the pure anger and frustration cleaning can bring me (ocd), I would have no alternative but to start drinking the cleaners. So I find something I have not listened to in months one of the greatest bands in history. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the.....

STYX.

Masen was told not to eat salsa on the couch because he kept getting it all over.
This was his answer.

So where do babies come from let's ask Masen.

Masen: "Where do babies come from?"
Me: "Where do you think they come from?"
Masen: "God makes them pop out of mommy's junk"
Me: "Well ummm... yeah why not?"

Thanks in part to shows like A Baby Story.

Yes, Masen has come to the conclusion that babies come from God and pop out mommy's junk. Although junk or package is what we refer to his penis and testicles as a whole, I do think it works nicely as a descriptive word for the ladies too. Genitals (the word still makes me laugh to this day) in general just look like a funny looking disaster. Oh and after seeing what happens down there during child birth can be full out change you for life as far as how you look at them. I had a front row seat with Masen due to the fact that the hospital was understaffed that night. Oh and let me tell you I got the full experience.

I was down in trenches holding the light, moving the collection bucket or whatever it is that catches the explosion of shit (that was figurative and literal), passing scissors, and everything else the doctor asked me to do. I after that very easily could have delivered a baby and would have if I didn't fear my wife grabbing the i.v. stand and throwing it through my forehead. With Gavyn it was completely different I got the run of the mill a glimpse here or there or as much as you chose to subject yourself to. I will say it was pretty boring it was definitely more fun the first time around when I was busy and wasn't told to shut up every time I spoke or looked at my wife.

I do understand why some people I have talked to have fainted during it, if you catch something at the right moment and your not prepared it can getcha.

Well all the years of getting shite housed and streaking life Frank the tank from Old School has come back to bite me in the ass. No not from some pictures surfacing on Facebook or anything like that something much much better. Ozzy's latest obsession is ripping off his diaper and pissing all over the apartment usually on me. He loves to pee on my feet and then take off laughing hysterically. If I could stop laughing he might actually take me telling him "NO" a little more serious. In some sick way I actually look forward to it there are not too many things in life funnier than that.

Well apparently today he decided he was was going to be a little different. I go to take the trash out fearing that by the time I returned the walls would be coated in urine with him and his brother hanging from the chandelier. I was wrong I came back to find them playing together with their toys or so I thought. In reality Ozzy was planning his next move and a move it was. I go straight into the bathroom thinking I might actually go in peace. As I take care of business the door flings open guess who? Yup there he stands diaper behind him on the kitchen floor with a devilish grin ear to ear. I finish up and as I am washing my hands he is playing with his Thomas the Train toy on the stool in front of the sink.

I go straight into his room to grab a diaper but before I could return to grab him I almost trip over him in the kitchen. He is standing there with a look of fear and his hand up in the air. His fingers had something on him but what? As I looked closer I realize Thomas had slipped off the tracks in the middle of a mudslide. That mudslide being the one that dropped out of my sons ass onto the bathroom floor. Yes we have now stepped it up to taking a crap on the floor.

I have not been posting as much as I would like due to many reasons. The biggest is I find myself burnt out by extremely long days. 15hrs pretty much 7 days a week doing anything let alone raising two boys is rough. So anyway.

I have found myself to be almost unbearably patient and forgiving something I had never been. This all started in the process of the divorce and I am not sure how much I like it. I say this because nice people generally get shit on a lot. So I was in Walmart on Friday (I will never be going back by the way) and where I live most of the people that shop there are trashy and trashy people scare me. Literally they scare me I find you never know what they are going to do or what they are thinking. I always shoot by the sporting goods section because I am afraid of that guy who's gun shopping and turns to me with "you got a perrty mouth". I know they live by the old "ya can't keep it in the pants keep it in the family" motto but there is always that guy who's ready to test the waters outside the family.

Well back to my shopping it was insanely packed. Almost every line was open and still there was at least 8 people in each. People were everywhere slamming into one another just flat out angry and nasty. The entire time I was in there it was just one person after another mumbling something nasty things about someone or something. I decide to push on through grab the bare necessities and get the hell out of there. Amazingly 15 minutes later I was done.

After dragging Masen by his arm he may not be able to use it for the next week but hey I was in and out without any casualties.